Funny Captions for Instagram

  • A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.
  • People say nothing is impossible but I do nothing every day.
  • Most people would sooner die than think in fact they do so.
  • The truth hurts and so would you if you were stretched as much.
  • I’ve learned that even when I have pains I don’t have to be one.
  • Farts are like children I’m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
  • If you’re going to tell people the truth be funny or they’ll kill you.
  • You call it nagging I call it Listen to what I king said the first time.
  • The truth can be funny but it’s not funny to cover up the truth.
  • I don’t believe in astrology I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
  • I used to sell furniture for a living The trouble was it was my own.
  • It’s a beautiful day I think I’ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
  • The best lightning rod for your protection is your own spine.
  • Trouble knocked at the door but hearing laughter hurried away.
  • I always arrive late at the office but I make up for it by leaving early.
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in years I didn’t want to interrupt her.
  • Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.
  • Remember today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
  • Life is like a ten-speed bike Most of us have gears we never use.
  • Bigamy is having one husband too many Monogamy is the same.
  • The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
  • Doesn’t expect the unexpected make the unexpected expected.
  • Actually being funny is mostly telling the truth about things.
  • We don’t stop playing because we grow old because we stop playing.
  • Everyone has a purpose in life Perhaps yours is watching television.
  • Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Funny Quotes for Friends

  • A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  • I walk around like everything is fine but deep down inside my shoe my sock is sliding off.
  • First, the doctor told me the good news I was going to have a disease named after me.
  • Everything is changing People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
  • Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today It is already tomorrow in Australia.
  • By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
  • Men are like parking spots the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
  • Ted Striker Surely you can’t be serious Dr. Rumack I am serious And don’t call me Shirley.
  • What if Gordon Ramsay voiced a GPS Great job you missed the bloody exit you f king disgrace.
  • When life gives you lemons throw them over your shoulder and look for an orange.
  • Girls want a lot of things from one guy Conversely guys want one thing from a lot of girls.
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Funny Captions

  • Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
  • A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year I told him At my age I don’t even buy a green banana.
  • When your mother asks Do you want a piece of advice it is a mere formality It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no You’re going to get it anyway.
  • Everyone should be able to do one card trick tell two jokes and recite three poems in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
  • A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men I just want to say to the authors of that study Duh.
  • When I die I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
  • At every party, there are two kinds of people those who want to go home and those who don’t The trouble is they are usually married to each other.
  • Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine You cant do it in one push you got to rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.
  • Doctors are just the same as lawyers the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
  • Dear optimist pessimist and realist while you guys were arguing about the glass of water I drank it Sincerely the opportunist.
  • Life is a waste of time time is a waste of life so get wasted and the time of your life If you die in an elevator be sure to push the UP button.
  • Before you judge a man walk a mile in his shoes After that who cares He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.
  • I’m sick of following my dreams man I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with em later.
  • You know you re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
  • If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.
  • My mother always used to say The older you get the better you get unless you’re a banana.
  • I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • Facebook just sounds like a drag in my day seeing pictures of people’s vacations was considered a punishment.
  • Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season That’s for women The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
  • Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation and world hunger.
  • My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
  • Some people are like Slinkys Pretty much useless but make you smile when you push them down the stairs.
  • If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist its another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.
  • Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes That way when you criticize them you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
  • I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to m.
  • I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt to home.
  • Money won’t buy happiness but it will pay the salaries of large research staff to study the problem.
  • ┬áBob Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately Peter I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.
  • Light travels faster than sound This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
  • I hate men who say girls are weak Excuse me but can you bleed for seven days straight and not die don’t think so.
  • My girlfriend s dog died So I got her an identical one She was livid What I’m going to do with two dead dogs.
  • It’s really hard to maintain a one on one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.
  • Life is like a hot bath It feels good while you’re in it but the longer you stay in the more wrinkled you get.
  • Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
  • Before you judge a man walk a mile in his shoes After that who cares He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.
  • Never argue with an idiot they’ll drag you down to their level and beat you through experience.
  • Men marry women with the hope they will never change Women marry men with the hope they will change Invariably they are both disappointed.
  • I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
  • I love being married It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  • My great-grandma started giggling at a barbecue and when I asked what’s funny she said Everyone here is alive because I got laid.
  • Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go you know I’m not as hungry as though I was.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
  • It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
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